Homunculi DrabbleFunness
by Aurifex
Summary: A bunch of short drabble and oneshots reguarding the homunculi. Rated for language.
1. Laundry Day

Diclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, the 7 Sins, etcetera. I also don't own Clorox, Xtra, or Nice'N'Fluffy.

Auri: Howdeee! Just a collection of fun homunculi drabble that I made up when I was bored. x3 Oh, and I know that sins probably don't do laundry. I, however, do, and I thought of this just after I finished doing a load.

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I REALLY hate doing laundry. It smells to high heavan and all the clothes are crusty. Plus I always forgot which liquid was bleach, which one was detergent, and which one was fabric softener. I also forgot the settings I had to put my clothes on before I washed them. I had always wondered why ME, Envy, had to do the laundry. I had better things to do than wash Greed's boxers. Ewwwwwww...

I was positioned in the laundry room of that person's manor, four overflowing baskets sitting in front of me. I was sitting on the small stool that I'd provided for myself, staring at the washing machine and following it's rotation with my eyes. Around and around and around it went. Wheeeeee.

I leaned against the wall. The room around him was stone, with icy cold cement flooring and stone walls. It was rectangular, with the door at one end and the boiler at the other end. The washer and dryer and ironing board was located along one wall, and laundry baskets and my stool sitting against the other wall.

'Damn cold in here,' I thought, rubbing my arms in order to warm them. And it really was cold in here.

BEEP!

The washing machine was done. I heaved myself up, and opened the top of the white metal machine. I had to use my foot to open up the dryer, which was empty, while my arms were busy scooping sopping wet clothes from the washer. I heaved my burden into the dryer and then slammed the lid shut. I turned the crank that set the dryer timer and pressed the 'On' button. It hummed to life.

Now for the washing machine. I always hated the washing machine the most. So many knobs and so many foul-smelling soaps you had to put in there. And the freaking settings! Oh, my god, there were so many settings to this thing! Large load, medium load, normal load, small load, delicates. I didn't mind doing a 'delicates' load, though. Sloth and Lust's underthings were fine with me.

I hoisted one of the other baskets on top of the dryer so it was within reach. I pulled out a handful of clothing. Greed's fluffy vest thing, one of Lust's gloves, and a sock that was probably Pride's. Eugh! Pride's sock! How freaking disgusting! I stuffed these into the washing machine and then grabbed another handful of clothing. Pride's other sock, and one of Sloth's dresses. I loved the feeling of Sloth's dress. It was so silky and soft.

After a while, the clothes basket empty, I turned to the detergents. I pulled the dark green bottle of Xtra towards me and opened it, holding out the cap like a cup and dumping the thick blue liquid into the cap. I poured it over the clothes and recapped it.

The smell of the detergent made me woozy. It was so strong and so disgusting. I glanced at the bottle.

'Fresh spring scented'.

I laughed out loud. Fresh spring scent? Bullshit. More like fresh moldy cow in a flowerbed scented. Or bullshit scented. I wondered vaguely if anyone thought of inventing that yet. I could make a killing selling vile scented detergents.

"Heheh... Fresh human entrails scented." I said to myself, uncapping the bottle of Nice'N'Fluffy fabric softener and filling the cap halfway full of the sky blue soap. It didn't smell any better than the Xtra. I poured it into the washing machine's little cylindrical thing in the center. What was that called again? I couldn't remember. Ah, well.

The lid slammed shut and I examined the dials and knobs. The first one I knew was to be left alone. The water temperature. It was on 'Warm'. The next one was the large load/delicates knob. I turned it to normal load. That seemed right. The final knob was the timer. 10 to 70 minutes. The longer the cleaner. I set it to 40 minutes. None of MY laundry was in this load. I didn't give a rat's ass about THEIRS.

The door banged open. I looked up to see Wrath framed in the doorway. Before he could speak, I snapped, "What?"

He wrinkled his nose angrily and I could tell he was pissed. "Mommy wants to know if her good dress is in the laundry. Is it?"

"Yeah...it's in this load." I muttered, sitting on my stool again and leaning against the wall. "Why? Does she want it?"

"No, she was just wondering where it was." Wrath said. He wandered in farther and shut the door. "What are you doing in here, anyways?"

"Laundry. What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" I barked, picking up a bottle of Clorox bleach and unscrewing the cap. "Now get out."

"I don't have to." Wrath said, rather snottily. I lost it. That kid's pissed me off from day one and I had a raw nerve today that his presence wasn't making any better.

Rearing back, I threw the uncapped bottle of bleach at him. It hit him in the shoulder and splattered in his hair. "You bastard!" Wrath screamed. "I'll kill you as soon as I wash this out!"

He ran from the room.

My temper worn out, I got up and lifted the bottle of Clorox from the floor. It was cracked and now empty, it's contents spilled over the floor.

"DAMN!" I leapt onto my stool. I was wearing my usual black toe-less sock things on my feet. "Ohh, maaaaaan..." I moaned, lifting one of my feet and examining the bottom of my foot. Already the black fabric was turning gray. "SHIT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

The door opened again. This time, it was Sloth. "Hey Envy- WOAH! What happened in here?" She asked, her eyes wide. She stopped just inside the door and looked around. "Do you...need a mop?" She asked slowly.

"NOIDON'TNEEDAFUCKINGMOPINEEDAFUCKINGNEWPAIROFFUCKINGSOCKS!" I howled, stamping my graying feet on the stool and clenching my fists in anger. "DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDANMDAMNDAMN!"

Sloth blinked, then said, "I'm gonna go get a mop..." She was about to close the door when Wrath suddenly ran in...again. It took me a minute to realize that it was Wrath. His hair was-it kills me to say this, because it's so damn hilarious-his hair was SHOCK WHITE! That bleach was POWERFUL stuff!

He took three steps in, Sloth and I both staring at him. Silence. Then, all at once, he shrieked a war cry and dove at me, which I wasn't expecting.

We grappled for about ten minutes, I succeeded in snapping one of Wrath's ribs, and Wrath managing to tear out a clump of my hair the size of a fist. It hurt like holy hell and now my head was all freaking bloody. It stopped when Sloth returned with a mop and a bucket of water. She then proceeded to put down the bucket and beat the living shit out of us with the mop!

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" I howled, grabbing the spot on my head where Wrath had ripped out my hair. "YOU BITCH!"

Wrath's clothes matched his hair. He realized this and gasped audibly. We'd been wrestling in the pool of bleach...and we were both wearing black. Sloth smirked and leaned against the doorway. "I'll leave you to greive." She said quietly, and left the mop and bucket.

Realization dawned on the pair of us as Wrath and I stared at each other. Wrath looked down at the clump of MY hair in his hand and swallowed. The hair was white. I looked at Wrath. His shorts and shirt were both the color of snow. I looked down at my body. My halter top and skort were white, as were my sock-things and my glove-things. With trembling fingers, I reached behind me and pulled forward one of my spiky locks of hair up to my eyes. White.

Our screams sent birds flying from the trees outside.

Auri's Notes: WHEEEE! Hahaha, can you imagine an albino Envy or Wrath? They look super-cute! X3 I luff it! 


	2. If you give a sin a steaknife

Auri's Notes: Uh...I have absolutely no idea where this idea came from. I was just sitting at my computer typing when. BOOM! A parody of one of our beloved children's books popped into my head!

If you give a Sin a steakknife, He'll want a human to use it on.

When you go to the funeral home to find someone to maim,  
He'll see the coffins that are made of wood.

When he sees the wood, he'll want some to hit people with. So you take him to the lumber warehouse to buy some.

When he sees the chainsaws that the use to cut the wood, he'll get excited.  
He'll want a chainsaw of his own. He'll want one so that he can cut down the tree in the front yard.

When he starts to cut down the tree, he'll notice the woodchips that fly everywhere. Seeing the woodchips will remind him of the human entrails that fly out of his victims when he kills them.  
He'll want a human to use the chainsaw on.

So you take him to the morgue.

Seeing the dead people will make him want a live human. So you take him to the mall to find a victim. When he has his victim, he'll want a dark alley to kill it in.

When you take him to the darkened alley, he'll slaughter his victim with the chainsaw. Seeing the entrails fly out of the corpse will make him want some fresh meat to practice chainsaw murdering on. So you get him a steak from the butcher's. And if he sees the steak...

Chances are...

He'll want a steakknife to go with it.

Auri's Notes: I...am thoroughly disturbed. That took me all of 8 minutes to write, too! 


	3. Greed's Computer

Auri's Notes: What happens to the comptuer is an actual experience that happened to my friend. x3 This is a most dialogue drabble with hardly any real actions...but a lot of swearing and yelling. Oh, and I don't own Dell or McDonalds.

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"Whatcha playing?"

"The Sims. Go away."

"Can I play?"

"NO."

"Pleeeese!"

"I SAID NO, WRATH."

"YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ANNOYING LITTLE BASTARD! GO AWAY!"

"MOMMYYYYY! GREED CALLED ME A BASTARD! What's that mean anyway?"

"GREED!"

"WHAAAAT? HE'S AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT! HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH HIM?"

"I JUST DO! NOW GET OFF THE COMPUTER, IT'S HIS TURN ANYWAYS!"

"NO, DAMMIT!"

"GREED! LET HIM ON THE COMPUTER!"

"I SAID- ARGH! HEY, GET OFF ME!"

Greed was sent toppling to the floor as Wrath leapt on top of him. The sound of punches landing and yelling filled the manor.

Sloth reclined against the doorjamb, watching the two of them fight with an amused expression playing on her face. She looked at the computer, where Greed's game was still playing. She moved over to the it and started clicking.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Greed leapt up, trying to stop Wrath from biting his ankle.

"I'm experimenting." Sloth said innocently.

"WITH MY GAME?"

"Yeah, I suppose so."

"WELL GET OFF! AND STOP PRESSING SO MANY BUTTONS!"

"Why, what'll...uh-oh."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"The screen stopped moving."

"IT FROZE?"

"Uh-huh."

"OH DAMMIT!"

"What?"

"I DIDN'T SAVE MY GAME!"

"...and?"

"I HAVE TO START OVER!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Wrath crooned.

"SHUT UP, MOPHEAD, IF THE COMPUTER FROZE, THAT MEANS YOU OR NOBODY ELSE CAN PLAY IT!" Greed barked.

"Oh...FUCK!"

"WRATH!" Sloth looked up, shocked.

"What? Envy says it all the time! Why can't I?"

"Well, Envy is a loud-mouthed, egotistical bast-"

"I heard my name." Envy stuck his head in the doorway, but was immediately punched in the face. "ARGH! WHAT THE HELL, SLOTH?"

"GET OUT OF HERE! AND STOP SAYING THE 'F' WORD AROUND WRATH!"

"'F' word? Oh, you mean fu-"

"GET OUT!"

Sloth pushed Envy out of the room and slammed the door.

Greed was pushing buttons on the disk drive. "OPEN UP, DAMN YOU!"

"IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK THAT WAY!" Wrath cajoled in Greed's ear.

"SHUT UP!"

"MAKE ME!"

"RAGHEAD!"

"FLUFFY-JACKET!"

"RUNT!"

"PIMP!"

"PUNK!"

"OBSESSIVE COMPLUSIVE SUNGLASS WEARER!"

"SNOT-NOSED MISMATCHED-ARMS LITTLE BRAT!"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU!" Sloth barked.

BOOM!

Greed had been pressing buttons the whole time. The computer emitted a muffled bang, and smoke billowed out of the disk drive. The screen went black. ((A/N: Yeah, my friend's Sims game asploded...and I still don't know why. XD What happens to the computer from here on out did NOT happen to my knowledge. XD Would'a been funny as hell, though.))

All three of them stared at the computer in silence. Then Greed lunged backwards and howled in frusteration. "NO! NO! DAMMIT TO HELL, CRAP, CRAP, SONNOVA BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK, NO PLEASE GOD, DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!"

Sloth reached forward and pressed the 'Open' button on the disk drive. It slid open, and she recoiled, coughing, as more smoke billowed from the computer's depths. She waved the smoke away and gingerly removed the disk. It was twisted and warped, and apparently had melted. It dripped chrome-colored slop onto the desk.

"OH...GREAT!" Greed snapped. "OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THE DELL." He then punched through the computer monitor. It fizzled for a minute, electrical sparks snapping slightly, then died alltogether.

"WELL THAT WAS REAL SMART, GREED!" Wrath yelled. "NOW WE HAVE TO GET A NEW MONITOR AND A NEW DISK DRIVE AND A NEW SIMS GAME!"

"SHUT UP!" Greed snarled.

"FLUFFERNUTTER!"

"SHITHEAD!"

"FUCKER!"

"DAMMIT WRATH WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" Sloth yowled angrily, whirling to face her 'son.'

"WELL THEN DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH ENVY!"

"I heard my name again." Envy poked his head in again.

"GET OUT!" All three of them roared in unison. Envy yelped and retreated.

"Is he lurking outside there?" Greed whispered, jabbing a thumb at the door. "His hearing can't be that good."

"YES IT IS!" Came Envy's voice from behind the door.

Greed opened the door and shut it. Banging, shouting, and landing punches could be heard.

Sloth and Wrath looked at each other.

"Wanna go for McDonalds?" Sloth asked.

"YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!"

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Auri's Notes: Wow...I'm thoroughly disturbed and entertained. X3 


	4. Wrath's Vocabulary

Auri's Notes: I luff you all! Thank you so much for reviewing! This takes place a few minutes after Greed beat the hell out of his computer. Oh, and I don't own McDonalds. 

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Sloth dipped a french fry into her ketchup and swirled it around a few times before transferring it to her mouth. Wrath had finished his Happy Meal already and was chewing on the straw of his milkshake.

"Wrath..." Sloth said slowly. "What other kinds of words does Envy say around you?"

"Uhh..." Wrath looked at the ceiling for a minute, furrowing his brow. "Shit, damn, hell, bitch, fuck, ass, asshole, shithead, bastard..." The list went on and on and on.

Ten minutes later...

"...jackass, dumbass, and dickhead."

McDonalds was silent. Their shock upon hearing a nine year old with such a colorful vocabulary was obvious.

Sloth's eyes were the size of dinner plates. "My...God." She said slowly.

Wrath shrugged. "Yeah, and I don't know what any of those words mean, either." He looked innocently up at Sloth. "Can I say them?"

"NO!" Sloth nearly shrieked. "Are you insane?"

"No, but if swearing makes you insane, I wish I was a psychopath and Envy must've escaped from the asylum." Wrath said, without missing a beat.

"You WANT to swear?"

"Yeah."

"B-but WHY?"

"Because Envy swears." Wrath said innocently.

"But that doesn't mean...ugh..." Sloth stood up, and took Wrath by the hand, but not before grabbing the remainder of her fries.

"Wait a sec!" Wrath ran back to the table and retreived his milkshake before following his mother out of the restaurant.

As they got into Sloth's car, Wrath looked up at Sloth and said, "Can I say 'damn'?"

"No!"

"Shit?"

"No!"

"...Can I say bitch?"

"NO!"

And so it went, the whole car ride home.

As soon as Sloth entered Dante's Manor, she stormed off to find Envy and give him a telling off. Wrath was told to wait in the kitchen. He sat at the counter, toying listlessly with an apple and chewing on his straw.

"OWWW! ARGH! SLOTH! LEMME GO!"

Envy's cries could be heard from the next room. Sloth had apparantly found him. She entered a few minutes later, dragging Envy by a clump of his tangled hair. She pushed him onto the stool next to Wrath, and glowered at the pair of them.

"Envy..." Sloth said coldly. "When you're around Wrath, you need to remember that he's a child. He mimics almost everything he hears...especially from YOU. Your foul mouth is all the vocabulary this boy knows!"

Envy opened his mouth to snarl a reply, but the look Sloth shot him was nothing short of deadly.

"And YOU." She turned on Wrath. "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!" She gestured flamboyantly at Envy, who wilted.

Sloth lectured for at least a half an hour. 

when she neared the end of her speech, she glared at them for a minute. "If I hear YOU," She jabbed Wrath in the chest. "Talking like HIM," She poked Envy. "One more time, you'll both be dead!"

She put her hand on both Wrath and Envy's head, then cracked their heads together with an audible, "SMACK!"

"AARRRGH!"

"Serves you right." She snarled, and left the room.

Wrath and Envy looked at each other, then, in unison, screamed after her.

"BLOW OUR OUT YOUR GODDAMN EAR YOU FUCKING BITCH!" 


	5. Showertime

Auri's Notes: More Envy-centric-ness. xD This song is "Fly to the Angels", by Slaughter. There is some LustxEnvy in here if you look hard enough.

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"Pictures of you, they're still on my mind, you had the smile, that could light up the world, now it rains...it seems the sun never shiiiiiines!"

Lust banged her head on the wall in a steady, consecutive motion. "God...make...him...shut...up..." She pounded harder with every word. Greed glanced up from the couch to stare at her.

"What do you see in him? Honestly..." He muttered, shaking his head.

Lust looked up. She had a red mark on her forhead where she'd been hitting the wall for over half an hour. "Me? Like HIM? You've got to be kidding me..." She said, a pink tinge appearing in her pale cheeks. "That she-man crossdressing palm tree? Ew."

"And I'll drive down this lonely, lonely road... Oooh, I got this feelin', girl I gotta let you go!"

Greed pounded on the bathroom door. "SHUT UP!" He roared.

"'Cause now you've got to flyyyyyyy! Fly to the angeeeels! Heavan awaits your heart, and flowers bloom in your name..."

"ENVY I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T KNOCK THAT SINGING OFF I'M GONNA COME IN THERE AND KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!" Greed howled.

"You've got to flyyyyy! Fly to the angeeeeels! All the stars in the night shine in your name!"

"ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!"

Lust groaned. "It's no use, Greed, he can't hear you."

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" Greed was in a fit of rage. He kicked the door several times, but to no avail. Envy kept singing.

"You know it hurts me, way deep inside...when I turn and look, and find that you're not there!"

Lust shoved Greed aside. "Let me handle it." She thrust her shoulder into the door, and it banged open.

The steamy bathroom was filled with Envy's feminine voice, singing at the top of his lungs. Lust pulled back the shower curtain...only the find that it was unoccupied! The shower was running, but no Envy!

"I try to convince myself that the pain, the pain it's not g- Lust?"

Lust turned, breathing hard, to see a fully dressed Envy sitting cross-legged on the bathroom counter, his head in his hands and his hair tied back over his shoulders with a hair tie. 

"Why...why aren't you in the shower?" Lust spluttered.

Envy shrugged. "I needed an excuse to practice my singing. Everyone sings in the shower. You should hear Greed...it's scary."

"But-"

Envy grinned. "Why, did you like it?"

Lust shook her head. "Hell no!"

"Well, you must have! Or else you wouldn't have come bursting into the bathroom, thinking I was in the shower with no clothes on..." Envy said slyly.

Lust opened her mouth, her eyes wide, then shut it. She shot Envy a venemous glare, then stormed out of the bathroom.

"Because you've just got to flyyyyyy...fly to the angeeeeels..." 


End file.
